Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
