Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
