There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
