i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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