I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i came on her dog
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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