Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
