Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
