Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
