I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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