i just google imaged poop.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
