I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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