FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
