Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
