well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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