I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
