not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
