she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
