We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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