Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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