PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
