You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
