I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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