sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im about as happy as oj after his trial
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
