Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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