so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
