I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
