Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
