So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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