I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
