My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
