I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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