WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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