I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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