My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it because I queefed?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
