It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
