Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
