I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
