a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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