I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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