Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize