I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
