The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
