By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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