The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
