I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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