You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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