i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
