My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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