My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
