I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
